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fear garlic. First, it goes back to the history of vampires roaming the Balkan countryside. In the days of yore, farmers in the region would hang garlic to repel wolves. (Presum- ably because wolves have a keen sense of smell, though garlic is considered a natural repellent to all manner of creature.) When you’ve got a superstitious people, it’s only a short leap from wolf to werewolf—a creature that precedes even the vampire. It is likely that vampires just sort of inherited the garlic phobia. Moreover, there is another famed bloodsucker believed to be repelled by gar- lic: the mosquito. (There is zero science to back this up, though I’ve just written 2,000 words on how to kill vampires, so if you’re looking for science, this probably wasn’t the best use of your time.) Here in the South, we are world-class experts on mosquitoes, but we didn’t discover the things, and probably weren’t the first to come up with the (false) idea that mosquitoes hate them. They aren’t attracted to you after you’ve indulged in sug- ary treats, either, in case you were wonder- ing. And male mosquitoes don’t even drink blood. “Well,” you say to the walls as you close this magazine, “what an adventure that was. A fine way of spending 15 minutes of quar- antine.” You look at the clock. Time no longer has meaning, but you do it because it’s there. Only nine more hours left in the day. You flip through the magazine. “Did David write anything else?” you ask (this time to your potted plant, Shakira). Ah, David did! More things about garlic. And you smile. Clearly, he is losing his mind, too. In our third year of quarantine, with no television left to watch, there is only Rouses magazine. You look at your pillow. It seems a little heavy. You look out your window. The sun is setting. Which means vampires will come. You pick up a garlic bulb. You will be ready.

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David W. Brown is a freelance writer whose work appears in The Atlantic , The New York Times , Scientific American and The New Yorker . His next book, The Mission: A True Story, a rollicking adventure about a motley band of explorers on a quest to find oceans on Europa , is in bookstores now. Brown lives in New Orleans.

VOTED BEST IN THE WORLD AT THE 2020 NEW YORK INTERNATIONAL OLIVE OIL COMPETITION